Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Randomize
