I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
