she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
