The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize
