then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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