My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
