Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Come on in and take your pants off
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