Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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