No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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