My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Randomize
