He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
