Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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