my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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