You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
