I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
