Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You were trust falling into bushes
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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