I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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