I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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