im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
