New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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