Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
