Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
