I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
