Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
