He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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