Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
