i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
