please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Hippo gnu deer
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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