i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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