Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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