I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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