you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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