If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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