I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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