Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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