Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I need to calm my uterus...
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
