I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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