meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
