woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
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