My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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