I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
