I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
