I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
