So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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