Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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