When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
