A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
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