she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
