You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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