Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
